Sunday, 3 February 2013

How to write about Australia

When writing about Australia, remember to always use the words ‘Outback’, ‘Down Under’, or ‘The Bush’. Subtitles include ‘Beer’, ‘Beach’, ‘Sunburned’, ‘Crocodiles’, ‘Aborigines’, ‘Didgeridoos’, or ‘Koalas’.
The cover should always be of sun-tanned surfers catching some waves at Bondi Beach or of Uluru (the only part of the outback anyone cares about).

All Australians manage to slip in ‘Mate’ at least one time per sentence, and they all swear a lot (bloody hell, mate). A barbecue is called a ‘barbie’ and shrimp is the only thing cooked on it.
All Australians are taught the sport of crocodile wrestling from age 4, and carry knives with them in case of a deadly crocodile or drop-bear attack. However, crocodile wrestling pales in comparison to the only major Australian sport: Aussie rules (otherwise known as AFL to you non-Aussies). Aussie rules & watching Aussie rules (while drinking copious amounts of beer) are the only national past-times.
In between watching Aussie rules and playing Aussie rules, Australians also find the time to hop to work and back on their kangaroos.

Remember, never mention that Australia (despite only having a population of 22 million) has the worlds 5th largest economy and 12th highest GDP per Capita. Never acknowledge that any state other than New South Wales and The Outback exist. End your story with a quirky Australian quote about throwing shrimp on the barbie, the scorching heat, and the cold beer. Make sure you throw in a couple of “Bloody hell, mate”s in there too.

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